Today...

Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

this statement is point #2 of a 10 point manifesto for joyful parenting.  

wow.  

this is a statement that i live out, and am centered around.  

this is a statement that i, myself, were i writing a 10 point manifesto for joyful parenting/living for Christ/existing in general, would have included on the top of my list.  

this is a statement that bears my soul and echoes a life that i chose to lead, was born to lead.  

so why do i sometimes allow myself to be swallowed up and to forget?

forget something so ingrained, so deeply moving and alive inside of my very soul?

this year has brought about SO many changes (mostly good changes mind you) but changes all the same, for our family.  

i know i have listed them before, but isn't talking things through acclaimed to be cathartic?????

so here they are:

1. moving out of a community where for 4+ years we were given, created and built and were blessed by a true and living family of individuals that God placed in our lives so very graciously, for beauty and for eternity.

2. moving into a town where, save for blood-relation, i had no connection to, was completely unknown to my children and i.

3. living w/my WONDERFUL (truly they are wonderful, we are a [lovely] family of 5!) parents for 5 weeks.

4. moving into a new and wonderful home of our own. (stress isn't always negative stress!)

5. starting new schools.

6. starting new jobs.

7. repeatedly finding new jobs.

8. constantly seeking to find our place in this foreign place.

9. starting a new ministry.

10. experiencing over and over the feeling that this is not home. 

#10 has been a constant reminder that, correct, this is NOT our home. 

none of this is.  

our home is no where on this earth.

it is with our God.  our Lord. 

in a place He is preparing for us right now even.  

and like i tell my little ones when they so often, so wondrously ask, heaven exists in our hearts, but one day Jesus will come and take us Home, to our real home.  

to where Heaven will be a place that we will all live together, in His presence, and in His presence alone.  

all of these changes have brought about battles.  

one after another; 

battles of fear, battles of loneliness, 

of anger, of joy, excitement, 

confusion, questions, all.  

  

but the original reason for writing this post (that has turned into a bit of my heart pouring out, whichi am sure was necessary), was to bring to light a beautiful statement that resonates the desires and truths of my being.  

 Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

throughout all of these changes [and more, i am sure, that i have left out], while i have been able to, after we all adjusted and brought forth and faced our emotions about all of it together as a strong and beautifully held together family, and despite a few minor melt downs on ALL of our parts,

parent my children in the ways that i always have--  

something has been slightly different.  

not a difference that often made it's way to the surface, 

but something deep,

deep inside of me.  

a hole.  

a scarred [and probably scared] and aching hole.  

after countless conversations w/A2.

and with precious, precious irreplaceable friends, 

and crying out to God to just show me WHAT is this hole, 

i have come to be shown that it is just that, 

a hole.  

a hole that BEGS to be filled not only with the scriptures, not only with prayer, not only with the love and friendship of my husband,

not only with a wonderful and blessed home where happiness and laughter fill the walls daily, 

but with TRUE JOY, 

true joy that i have been robbed of and unable to find deep within me.  

and that joy is not something that is found in those things,

or people,

or places.  

it is a joy that is given by a gracious God.  
a joy that is there when it is chosen to be had.  

why do we forget to CHOOSE?

that inner joy, that beauty that is truly found in everything.   

that joy, as i have typed and re-typed today, 

is a joy that makes me, me.  

let us not forget to choose.  

let us not rob ourselves of experiencing life the way it was made to be experienced.  

as women, we long to be told we are beautiful,

as our Creator, God longs for us to just LOOK at His creation, 

to find joy in what He presents to us EVERY MOMENT OF OUR DAYS AND NIGHTS.  

 [Captivating]

it is there.

let us not forget to choose it.  

happiness is lovely, but true joy is deeper.  

and it is free.  

thank you Jesus, 

and thank you loved ones, 

and thank you to those i do not even know, whose words have been a resounding reminder in a time of ridiculous forgetfulness!

enjoy!

-c.  (=

some things are changing...

so lately things have been changing around here.
well, what i mean by saying this is that i have made a few drastic changes within myself as of late.
when i was 14 years old, my mom and dad decided that hey, we have 3 acres, let's buy some cows! and just like that, my meat eating days came to a screeching halt. ("steve holt!"--i had to write it, i misspelled halt and it was all over my brain!)
not that i quote-unquote didn't believe in eating red meat, and not even that i fell in love with the dear little things my parents so graciously named: chuck, t-bone, and ribeye. though they were pretty sweet.
no, it was the mere fact that, if i can see a cow one morning, standing outside my front room window, then i most definitely am not going to be digging in to that same cow at the kitchen table the next eventing at supper time. too much visual.
so, now being 28 [nearly 29], it has been close to 15 years since that decision was made and i have relentlessly stuck to it.
i tried to go back on this choice 3 years ago, when i was still nursing 'B as a baby. and my body did NOT take it well.
we were invited to a small get together in a new town, by new friends, and trying to be polite i ate a bowl of spaghetti with hamburger in the sauce.
yikes.
what they say is true, it will make you SICK. sick sick sick.
so long story short, my husband, who IS a red-meat eater, lovingly and graciously allows me to solely serve white meat and veggie dishes in our home. (=
but in a few of my bon appetit issues, steak recipes have caught my eye. and a few times (twice) in the past 3 or 4 months i have taken it upon myself to prepare these recipes for him. much to his delight, i might add.
on each of these occasions this meat has appealed to me so much that i have sampled it and thought it mildly tasty. of course, given the afore mentioned incident, i only allowed myself to nibble.
now, in my last post i stated that yesterday i was planning on making the korean rice bowl, and that, indeed, i did. and of course, i had to try it.
holy cow! (no pun intended) this was the most incredible, mouth-watering bit of food that i have ever ever ever tasted. so i indulged in a few slivers of marinated and seared steak as i was cooking.
i then filled my bowl at dinner time w/a picture perfect proportion of what was exactly on the magazine page, and indulged in that as well.
in all, i completely blew out of the water any chance of not regretting what i had just done by WAY over-consuming what my body would allow me in the red meat eating category.
but as the good Lord would have it, i did not get sick in the slightest! this freedom from illness also allowed me to partake in the chocolate-mayonnaise cake (also in the previous post) that i made late last night for my hubby and i while we were held captivated by (with frequent oven-timer interruptions) the latest Lost episode on hulu. which, by the way, was a really really good one finally.
any-who, chocolate is another thing i have always [for unknown reasons] prided myself on not loving. at least aside from the occasional dark chocolate cacao bean infused bite i periodically get a taste for.
but like our dinner, fittingly, this particular cake was so fascinatingly rich and BEAUTIFUL, and the icing was smooth and the most delicious, lovely thing i have EVER made (in the kitchen), and i it looked JUST LIKE the picture! [i also took some pictures of my own of this monumental event and i will post them soon]
and so, delightfully, and with much enthusiasm, i dive head-first into a new chapter in my life.....
my love affair with these two most amazing entities: the steak and chocolate cake.

sincerely,

-C.

(=